Wednesday 28 October 2009

Gaining the IVF drugs and losing my furry friend

Holy sweet smoking shit at sunset.

My mum collected my IVF drugs today. The two SACKS thereof. I came home, saw said sacks sitting on my coffee table, with a note to say there was more in the fridge. I unpacked them and set the assembled goods before me in growing disbelief. It was like Christmas morning in the mad scientist's house. I then hastily repacked the sacks and forced down the ratatouille hubby had whipped up before I lost my appetite.

Hubby and I just spent half an hour in the spare room - the coolest, darkest room in the house, being as it is a forlorn place where a baby should reside - with the drugs and assorted paraphernalia spread before us.

It's just overwhelming. It's overwhelming. There are:

- two boxes of nasal spray
- five boxes of crazy glass vials with some kind of liquid-and-powder combo
- fifteen small needles in orange packets
- fifteen scary ass huge motherfucking needles in green packets
- about 250 (looks like) syringes
- a "sharps box" which looks and sounds like it should feature in Saw VI
- a packet of pessaries made of VEGETABLE FAT
- a partridge in a pear tree

I have so much to say right now and yet the terrifying nature of having these drugs ACTUALLY in front of me has rendered me virtually inarticulate.

The biggest news - and the reason I've been away for awhile even with IVF plans proceeding apace - is that my cat died.

I'm still not ready to talk about it in detail. Regular followers might remember I nursed him through cancer 18 months ago. We knew his time with us was limited as he had been diagnosed with kidney failure, but I was hoping he'd see me through my first cycle of this hell.

However, fate moved against us and he started having daily seizures ten days ago. Hubby had taken me away for the weekend as a sort of last ditch romantic break before IVF, but we had to cut our trip short and rush home so my mum and I could jointly make the decision that it was time to let him go.

The vet came to the house last Monday and my darling furby died in my arms on his favourite chair. It was the worst thing I've gone through to date. We buried him in the garden and since that awful day not a second has passed when I don't miss my best boy. Not having a furry companion has made the loneliness of infertility bite even harder, but any notion of getting another cat makes me feel unfaithful. I guess right now the pain of losing him is still too raw.

That said, I have written all of this so far without crying. It's all about crying less each day and I'm impressed I've managed to tell the story - badly, but I've got the words out - without dissolving. I think the fact I am still bug-eyed with horror about the sacks of drugs lurking next door may have something to do with it, mind you.

So that happened. Then my relative who'd just had two embryos transferred had her pregnancy test, and it came back negative. She started bleeding the next day. I know I said last time that I was jealous - and I was, fuck me, I was green - but I never, ever wanted her cycle to fail. She is hurting so much right now and my challenge is to be there for her as best I can while making my own final preparations.

So on day two, a fortnight ago, I visited the clinic for my bloodwork. Turned out my FSH is 11.7, which is a little higher than they'd like for IVF (though not off the map) but a lot higher than it should be for a 30-year-old. I'm told stress can play a part, and with my cat and various other factors I suspect that's had a significant effect, but the clinic did say it may also mean my ovaries are struggling and that in turn may mean a higher chance of a cancelled IVF cycle or indeed a total failure of my body to respond to the drugs. They've prescribed me a higher dosage of Menopur - four ampoules rather than three. Whatever the fuck an ampoule is. Up until this month I thought it was something to do with plugs. I guess I was off sick the day we covered this shit in school.

So I got my treatment schedule, and they want me to start the nasal spray a week on Sunday. I get to attend the clinic on Friday for a "teaching appointment" to tell me how to take it. I'm not sure exactly what kind of imbecile doesn't know how to take a nasal spray - I mean, what, am I going to stick the bottle in my ear? - but there we go.

I'm not squeamish about needles but some of those motherfuckers are big. My relative tells me the last one - the one with the HcG in it - is the worst, because that's been kept in the fridge and is icy cold right about when you start flooding it into your thigh. If my hormones fuck up we may not even get that far. Right now, this autumn just looks like one long track of increasingly steeper hurdles, each one of which may constitute the end of the road.

I also may jest about being intellectually evolved enough to figure out a nasal spray, but I'm clumsy, bad-tempered, impatient and liable to hurl small, fiddly things that don't comply with my wishes at the wall. How in the world I'm going to manage with the selection of Sylvanian Family-sized glass bottles, dinky vials and stabbing instruments currently shoved hastily in a chemist's carrier bag on my spare bed is anyone's guess.

The side effects freaked me out, too. I mean, obviously chest pain, decrease in breast size, vaginal bleeding, migraine, shortness of breath, vaginal dryness, hot flushes, night sweats, muscular pain and abdominal swelling are every girl's dream, but we've all read about the scary stuff associated with IVF. By which I mean the cancer. That's a c-word that puts all my fears about what's going to happen to and in and around my other c-word into perspective.

I'm particularly looking forward to the pessaries because I've always imagined what it would be like to shove a lozenge of vegetable fat up myself and wait for it to ooze stickily into my pants. Every night for fourteen nights.

My timings are such that the egg collection will happen shortly before Christmas, which works well in terms of holiday from work and rest potential. What potentially sucks is that if things go well and we get eggs, then embryos, my pregnancy test will take place New Year's Eve. Kind of a bum start to 2010 if it fails, no?

I have the word DAUNTED in block red capitals in my head, but it doesn't do justice to how I feel right now. I think a more accurate summary is that I feel a level of terror and anxiety sufficient to almost - but not quite - anaesthetise the pain of losing a 19-year furry friend. I so hoped my little kitty would see me through this.

And here are the tears.

42 comments:

Rambler said...

Oh my, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Your furby was family (19 years! How wonderful you were that lucky) so you get to cry all you want. Here in the US, you have to go to the vet, they usually don't come to your home, so what a comfort to know that he was in his own house, in his own chair and in your arms. Sniff...I'm sorry.

As for the IVF part, not that I am a poster child for it, but yes, its daunting. Scary, frustrating, emotionally and physically straining and in the end, may be worth every one of those feelings.

I guess the "hang in there" phase is really overused in all this, but I mean well when I use it. One day at a time, cross of each day on your calendar. You're lucky you have the nasal spray vs. the shots, that cuts down on the needles!

Good luck on your journey, and keep the end goal in mind. :)

Sarah said...

I sorry about your kitty. I know you loved him.

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved cat. That he went in your arms, safe and loved, I hope will be a comfort in later days when your grief isn't so raw and acute.

Best wishes for your coming cycle, too.

adsf said...

I'm sorry about your cat but thank you for giving me some laughs with your post. :)
Your sarcasm is top-notch!

Hope Springs said...

Wow, where to start?

First, I'm so sorry about your cat - that's a real kick in the teeth from the universe, and as Illanare said, I hope that when the grief is a bit less raw it'll be a comfort to you that he died in your arms, surrounded by love.

As for the drugs - my clinic is very much of the philosophy that the best way to get through IVF is to face it one step at a time, so each time you go for an appointment, they give you another prescription for just as much stuff as you need until the next time. That meant I never saw all the drugs spread out before me, and it freaked me out a lot less (as did the cost aspect of paying for the drugs over a period of weeks rather than all in one go). Is there any way you can just hide the stuff you're not currently using, and take it out on an as-needed basis?

As for the trigger injection - yes, it comes straight from the fridge, and I was worried that it would feel awful (I've had IV drips that feel as though they've come straight from the fridge in the past, and remember that awful feeling of coldness coursing up my arm). In fact, I barely felt a thing with it. Everyone's different, and you too may be absolutely fine. Side effects of some of the drugs can be nasty, but some people get none, and I don't think anyone gets ALL of them - again, just something to deal with if and when it happens.

Honestly, I think the best way to get through this is to try to ignore the big picture as much as possible and take it all one step at a time. And know that there are loads of people rooting for you and hoping that there's a baby at the end of it for you.

Alison said...

I'm SO sorry about your little fur-baby! That's horrible news! It'll take some time and then you'll want that little pitter-patter of furry feet in your house again. I lost one of my fur-babies last January and I know the devastation you're feeling. It's aweful. I even made a photobook on Shutterfly.com all about my puppy that died and it seemed to help me grieve. I'm sure lots of people thought I was insane... but they just don't understand... and probably never will.

Good luck with starting your treatments! Hope everything goes well!!

Anonymous said...

Just a suggestion: when I was doing IVF, I really couldn't handle self-injecting the industrial quantities of stuff I had, but my sympathetic GP arranged for me to see the practice nurse every day through that phase, and she administered the cold stuff much more gently and slowly than I could've done it. Then for the late-night injections they arranged for the night staff at a local cottage hospital to do it. All it took was a couple of phone calls and a covering note from the GP. A member of staff at a nearby old folks' nursing home also told me they had staff there who can give jabs & would've helped me if I'd been stuck. I'm just saying - you can probably get help somewhere if you find the self-injecting too difficult or painful. Don't suffer more than you have to. Good luck.

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it is very hard to lose someone who has meant so much to you. I hope the pain will ease for you over time.

I want to wish you good luck with this cycle! I hope your body cooperates and that the drugs aren't actually as bad as they seem. And here's hoping for a positive on New Year's Eve to ring in a great year!

Anna said...

I am so sorry for your loss of little furby. I agree with Rambler that it must have been a comfort for him to be at home (I'm in the U.S. where they don't do that,too)

Thank you so much for this blog. My first IVF consultation is this coming Monday the 9th of November and I have a better idea of what to expect because of your wonderful ability to honestly share what you are going through. I will be following you and Thank you again! Hope your first cycleis a wonderful success and brings you your little one!

Jules M said...

You never fail to make me laugh through the tears...stay strong my friend xx

trying to get pregnant said...

Wow, you are going through a lot. When my cat died, it was really stressful but on top that you have to deal with drugs and needles. Very scary to me especially if they are big. Nice reading and hope everything goes better for you.

Unknown said...

sorry to hear about the kitty :(
my trigger didn't hurt one bit and was only sore a day or so later. i did my best to not look at the needle (but did anyway, and it was huge!!) but it really didn't hurt like i thought it would. good luck!!

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Unknown said...

Wow, you are going through a lot. When my pretty cat died, it was really stressful but on top that you have to deal with drugs and needles. Very scary to me especially if they are big. Nice reading and hope everything goes better for you. I would pray for you. Best of luck.
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Anonymous said...

Hello everyone my name is Lisa Upche.I want to tell the world how i was able to conceive. After a history of painful, heavy periods and having had an ovary removed,I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Because that my remaining Fallopian tube was blocked, the only chance I and my husband had of conceiving was through IVF.
The condition meant that fertility treatment was very painful in spite of the treatment it wasn't successful .

"From the age of 19 or 20, I had very bad periods, but my GP seemed uninterested. At 22, I had emergency surgery for appendicitis and awoke to discover I had also had an ovary removed, due to a large cyst. Although I had a histology (examination with a microscope of tissue removed during surgery), endometriosis (a condition in which endometrial cells, which normally line the uterus, implant around the outside of the uterus and/or ovaries, causing internal bleeding, pain and reduced fertility) was not diagnosed until much later.
With all these challenges, the possibility of getting pregnant was very difficult...I read an article of how Iya Hindi, that helped a woman to conceive with the use of the herbal treatment...I contacted the address hindinative@yahoo.com ....I ordered for the herbs and it worked. I conceived through the use of the herbs as instructed also. Contact (hindinative@yahoo.com .Or whats App number+19145295224) for help.

karen said...

I GIVE ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID
I can’t believe this. A great testimony that i must share to all fibroid patient in the world. i never believed that their could be any complete cure for fibroid with out going for surgery ,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites and Facebook page of how Dr Williams prepare herbal cure for different king of disease,and with the help of his herb they where able to shrink there fibroid naturally. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually . Right now i want to tell you all that i just give birth to a baby boy last month,and on thin now i have not had any pain, and i have just went for text last week and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of any fibroid in my system . Glory be to God for leading me to this great Dr Williams I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no herbal cure for fibroid that is Not true ,just contact him and get cure from his email drwilliams098765@gmail.com and you will be free and free forever, Try it and you will not regret it because it truly works. i hope to see your testimony soon.

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fertility ivf  in chennai

Anonymous said...

I have been suffering from (hiv) disease for the last four years and had constant pain, especially in my knees. During the first year,I had faith in God that i would be healed someday.This disease started circulate all over my body and i have been taking treatment from my doctor, few weeks ago i came on search on the internet if i could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search i saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and Cancer) by this Man Priest Aluta and she also gave the email address of this man and advise we should contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so i wrote to voodoosputuralspell@gmail.com telling him about my (hiv) he told me not to worry that i was going to be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man few weeks later i started experiencing changes all over me as the Priest Aluta assured me that i have cured,after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if i have be finally healed behold it was TRUE, So friends my advise is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can visit him on his website http://tinyurl.com/y7auhzo5

Unknown said...

you are fed up with all the empty promises and expensive treatments, that haven't reduce the risk of misscarrages and other complications.after years of trying to conceive and a failed IVF and a failed FET And if you also suffer from ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, tubal obstruction, endometriosis or lazy ovaries or if your male partner has low sperm count or sperm motility disorders, then Dr Chale herbal medicine will help you treat most of these infertility related conditions while restoring your energy and vitality and giving you the healthy baby you've dreamed of for so long. course i have tried it and it worked out for now am pregnant with my baby with just two weeks of contacting him, after 4 years of us trying to conceive. Doctor with your herbs you have brought life into our marriage, am very grateful to you.contact him,chalesolution@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

My husband and i got married in september 2009, after our wedding we expected the fruit of the womb but it wasn't forthcoming, so we went to different hospitals and met with different doctors yet nothing happened. in 2015, when i was surfing online i came in contact with Mother Iya fertility help. we engaged in all the outreached of she helping me get pregnant and prayed kingdom advancement prayers. Towards the end of 2015 , the doctor scheduled us for assisted conception but i refused to be used as an object of experiment anymore at the hospital. As i read Mother Iya testimonies of women she had help. i took five days to apply what she told me and use her herbs she sent me.and i remeber what Mother always say to me that you can ride on people's testimonies and it will be replicated in your life. So, i heard a testimony that struck me and the testifier also rode on another testimony. i did what Mother Iya told me and 2015 would be my last without a child. With that faith and agreement with my husband, i apply the herbal remedy and sacrifices done.in Febuary 2016, to the glory of God, i became pregnant and in October 2016, i gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. i have to give thanks to Mother Iya for the glory she uses for breaking the yoke of barrenness in my marriage. nativeiyabasira@yahoo.com and +441133201124

rafinnah said...

I want to use this opportunity to thank this great holy man called Priest Babaka for what he has done for me and my family. This great man has brought happiness and joy back again to me and my family. Priest Babaka has used his great power to help me bring back my husband within the period of 48 hours and also helped me in getting pregnant with his powerful prayers and after 7 days of applying his herbs.This is more than words can say, at first i didn't believe it but today it is so true and all thanks goes to him. i will advice every one out there that has a similar issue, and also any one who is willing to get his or her lover back and any one who wants to get pregnant quick to contact this wonderful man today and forever remain happy in life. email: babaka.wolf@gmail.com or Facebook at priestly.babaka

Anonymous said...

Cm hospital Fertility Centre in Chennai states that Preterm birth that were common during these modern world which would be resolved with the guidance from the experts who would help you out in order to be safe as well prevent these preterm defects.

arjun said...

Nice blog. Yesterday night we visited one of the most trusted the Best IVF centre in punjab and consult with experts doctor and attain the best knowledge of IVF.