Saturday, 5 January 2008

Dreaming of you

Dreamt about my baby again last night. I say "my baby" when really it was just "a baby", but in the dream she was mine and I'll be damned if I can't use the possessive about her.

I was feeding her, and I woke up with my boobs actually aching with longing. I could still feel her on me. Had a bit of a cry before getting up - it was weird as I felt bereft, like I missed her, so vivid was the dream. How can you miss something you've never had?

Haven't mentioned this latest dream to hubby yet. A few weeks ago, at dinner, he related one of his own to me, and I think my reaction scared him. He said he'd woken up (in the dream) to see a wee girl standing in our bedroom doorway. Rather than being alarmed, he just accepted it as normal and remembered thinking "What's our daughter doing up at this time of night?"

When he said that line to me, it floored me. I did one of those spectacular cries that really defines "bursting into" tears, and then just sat there at the table, sobbing uncontrollably, tears dripping into my pasta, while he just patted my head awkwardly and apologised for upsetting me.

It wasn't him telling me that upset me. It was the notion that he too is being plagued by these dreams of longing and hoping for something we might never have - all because he married a barren woman.

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