Monday, 9 June 2008

A restorative break from babymaking

First of all, thanks for all the comments and messages, and I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I just reached the point where if I didn't take a break from it all, I think I'd have lost my mind.

As it is, my period came this morning after 37 days - so not a crazily long cycle, but not brilliant either, and certainly not indicative of ovulation, which casts a certain amount of doubt on the asinine confidence of my dear friend the professor at the clinic.

But I'm having a rest. This is the first month in two years that I haven't given the remotest fuck whether I'm pregnant or not. Although perhaps that isn't entirely true, as I did do two pregnancy tests when my period hadn't arrived after three, and then seven days. But I wasn't upset when they were negative.

I've decided that my body, and more than that my mind, need a rest from this. If we are going to have to wait a year - and we are, unless I can muster up the strength and/or finances to go private or seek a second opinion - then I need to get to an emotional place where that doesn't make my chest feel like it's going to explode. And the only way I can do that is to withdraw.

So my decision is as follows. To hell with weekly blood tests. To hell with sex. I want the summer off, to get my head together and remember who I am, and I want a holiday. To that end, I'm off to Florida to see my beloved cousin for a fortnight in July. Come August, we'll see where we are and I'll resume the blood tests with a view to either demanding ovulation drugs from the clinic in the autumn should they reveal that the dear professor is, as I suspect, an idiot, or seeking help elsewhere.

It feels weirdly liberating to have made such a decision. It's a decision that friends and family have been telling me I need to make for months. But it's all very well people SAYING you need to take a break - until you've reached that point yourself, you just want to stab people who say such things in the forehead with a large fork.

Aside from safeguarding my own sanity, another big reason why I'm putting fertility stuff on hold is that things are very bad between hubby and me. They have been shaky for months, but recently they've taken a sharp downward spiral and we need to sort it out. I can't conceive (no pun intended, but that wasn't bad!) of bringing a child into a failing relationship, having grown up in a broken home myself.

So there is work to be done. It sounds soooo corny but I think I need to spend some quality time with myself. I've sort of forgotten who I am, through all of this. I've come to view myself as either a clinical patient, mother-without-a-baby, or complete failure. "Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere," as Tori Amos says. But recently, for one reason or another, I've caught a glimpse of the girl I used to be, and I want to coax her back. I miss her.

I'm going to keep up the blog, though, even though I'm physically taking a break. I've got so much out of doing this blog - from the pure therapy of writing and venting and getting it all out, and also from the support and genuine relief of discovering that there's a whole network out there of fellow bloggers experiencing exactly the same thing. It's so important that we write for, and to, and about each other. I can't put into words how much comfort I've gained from it.

So there you have it. I'll be around, and I'll write whenever I feel like it. And who knows - inevitably there's a small but insistent voice in my head murmuring about all those couples who stop trying and then...

But secret hope is not what this is about - I'm not trying to fool the fates into smiling on me. This is about trying to get my marriage back on track and my life back. Wish me luck...


peesticksandstones said...

Wow... you are incredibly brave. Despite how horrible all the treatment, failures, etc make me feel -- I still really struggle with knowing my limits, where to draw the line and re-group. Underneath it all, you are still YOU, and that is something to celebrate and protect.

Kudos to you for making your marriage a priority, too. It is so cruel how this strain can jeopardize things just when you need it to be stronger than ever. Truly hoping you can reconnect and become better than ever together through this. Best of luck!

s.e. said...

I admire your strength and clarity in this frustrating, awful situation. I too am on some sort of a break and will join you as we find ourselves together.

I once read that dealing with infertility can be the hardest thing a couple could go thru. I am so proud of you to realize that it has taken it's toll and that you want to restore what you had as a couple and an individual. Step away as you need too. We will be here when you come and go. And hold onto that secret hope however small. You truly never know.

Sarah said...

You sound at peace. I hope you stay that way.

Michell said...

Enjoy your summer. That sounds like a great plan and a breather sometimes is just what we need to refocus ourselves. I hope things get worked out with your hubby soon.

The Impatient Patient said...

I wish you the very best of luck with this. And I hope you start to feel better very very soon.
Much love,
The Impatient Patient

Trixie said...

Really respect your decision honey. Your post was honest and true so this is obviously the right decision. xxx

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