Monday, 19 May 2008

The fertility clinic looms (again)

So, tomorrow looms and I am not feeling like I expected to.

I assumed I'd feel similar to last time: hope, trepidation, anxiety, excitement, nervousness.

I don't. If I'm being completely honest, which I said I'd always be in this blog, I feel like I am past caring. I feel like I could not give the remotest shit about what happens tomorrow. Give the appointment to someone else, for all I care. I don't even want to go. I'm so SICK of all this that I seem to have reached some sort of impasse where I have accepted my infertility and it can go fuck itself.

Obviously, this is some sort of bollocks reaction to stress and frustration. Of course I care - after everything we've been through it'd be a nonsense to say I suddenly don't. But it's certainly true that I am bored, bored, bored of all this. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Still, it is what it is and we are where we are. (Hark at me with the platitudes.) I think that perhaps I'm inexplicably angry with it being here after waiting so long for it since the HSG.

Or maybe it's not so inexplicable: maybe the fact it's finally here has reminded me that the past six weeks of my life have been a pointless blur in which nothing has mattered or even registered except for this one appointment. And now the time has come to deal with that appointment, to get through the minutes of it and learn whatever it is that we will learn, my brain has suddenly said, "You know what? I'm done coping with this."

It's weird how people behave in the waiting rooms for various fertility stuff. I may have made this point before - apologies if I have - but you know how in dentists' and doctors' waiting rooms, there are always magazines and people always thumb through them, however idly?

Well, in fertility clinic receptions there are also magazines but they just sit in the centre of a table in a stack so neat that you know it's never been dislodged. Nobody reads. Nobody talks - the couples who are there together just sit in silence, contemplating. Wondering how the hell they ended up on the road that got them there, I guess.

Time for bed. Tomorrow's a big day.


s.e. said...

Interesting...I always look forward to reading my favorite subscriptions and we all watch t.v. in our waiting room. I thought mine was torture but you describe even more awkwardness.

I hear you on being done with coping. I think we all hit that point sometimes. You do care but it can still go fuck itself! Good luck.

Rachie Pachie said...

Hope the appointment goes well today.

And, yes, definitely agree that the clinic waiting room is awkward. You'd think some one else could acknowledge you, but they don't. I try to smile & say good morning... but it doesn't help.

Will be checking back to see how it went.

capitalchick said...

Hey you!
I've been thinking about you all day, because I remember 6 weeks ago when I realized that we both had these extremely important doctors appointments on the same day. Mine was this morning. I don't know how I feel about it. DH is very happy because the doctor s far can't see anything wrong with me. I'm happy, of course, but there's always that fear looming that, perhaps, I'm one of thoes 'unexplained' infertility chicks.
Anyway, there was a lot more to our appointment - too much to go into here - but I mostly just want to hear about your appointment.
Lots of love

polycystic ovarian syndrome and infertility said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!! Hope everything goes well today! The husband, of course, was his ever consoling self. He told me that it was okay. If we only had Norton, that was okay, too. Norton was enough. In fact, Norton was more children than the husband ever thought he’d have at all. Before he met me, he never thought he’d even get married, let alone have a family. Instead of regretting what we don’t have, he’s happy with what we do have. He doesn’t blame me. He loves me.

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