Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Hitting rock bottom

So today was a good day.

After not even a millilitre more of blood overnight, I rang the hospital this morning and spoke to one of the nurses who will be doing the HSG on Friday. She asked what a normal period was for me and I said one day of very heavy bleeding, following by two days of medium and then another two days of light. Even though my cycles are all to hell, that actual pattern for my period itself has never changed and has been the same since I was 13.

The nurse said that it could well be a stress-induced blip, but that there were no issues with actually doing the test provided I'm not pregnant. That's the one thing they have absolutely to rule out, as she explained that if I were and they pushed a catheter through my cervix, that would cause me to abort the baby. The foetus, she said, but let's face it, the baby.

She then said that the fact I've bled very lightly once last Wednesday and then again on Sunday could - possibly - indicate that actually I am. Apparently such things are common early on. She even said they've had two women this week cancel their HSGs because they've fallen pregnant. (I loathe them both with a vitriol that surprises even me.)

She told me to go straight to the fertility clinic (luckily, it's just five minutes from work - this call took place by the side of a road at almost 9am this morning!) where they would do a blood pregnancy test - apparently, that's the only thing that's accurate enough early on. I told her I'd done a urine one on Saturday morning but she dismissed that as she said they're not reliable until six weeks into the pregnancy. (They should put that on the fucking BOX!)

I obediently presented myself at the fertility clinic this morning and only had to wait 15 minutes among other ashen-faced, desperate women to get in for my blood test.

The nurse said I could phone up for the results - can I just reiterate, this was to find out over the phone whether I am pregnant or not - this afternoon at 4pm.

Time never passed more slowly than it did today. I know she didn't mean to, but the nurse really got my hopes up - having a medical professional confirm that I MIGHT be pregnant in a month where I thought all hope was lost really got me excited.

Stupidly.

At 4pm I phoned up. The number they'd given me didn't work. All it did was go, "BONG-BONG-BONG: This number is not valid" in a smug, probably pregnant woman's voice.

I checked my diary, where I've written the fertility clinic number for reference. It was the same number. "BONG-BONG-BONG" etc ensued.

I checked the website. Same PISSING number.

I called a few directory enquiry lines. Same number. By now I was nearly deaf from BONG-BONG-BONGs because for some insane reason I kept thinking that it would magically work if I just rang it one more time.

Eventually I started fretting that the clinic would close before I had defeated BONG-BONG-BONG lady. So I called the hospital - other side of the city, but surely these people share contact details - and eventually got through to their switchboard, having to give a garbled and increasingly hysterical precis of my story to every different person I spoke to.

Switchboard lady was nice. She detected the telltale wobble in my voice and said she wouldn't cut me off till she'd got a number for the fertility clinic. Six minutes later I was connected to the sister at the clinic.

She was so lovely to me, and that's when the tears finally came. She explained the test had come back negative. I didn't say anything. She said, "I'm so sorry, darling" and that was it - I wept like a kid.

I explained how scared I am about Friday, and how the conversation with the other nurse this morning had given me this unexpected jolt of hope that I'd hung everything on. And she listened. She just listened. She even asked if I wanted to walk over to the clinic and talk in person. She deserves a medal. People as good and kind as her would get my eyes wet at the best of times.

So I eventually got it together enough to get through the rest of the day, but on the way home on the train I just kept hearing "I'm so sorry, darling" again in my mind and I have to say I sat in that carriage with huge, fat tears just dripping down my face. I didn't even care. I then had a HUGE crying jag when I got in and saw hubby.

Two glasses of red later and I'm really calm, but so very sad and scared.

5 comments:

teh4 said...

Hi - while I don't want to scare you more about Friday, I have heard from several women who have had an HSG that you should ask your doctor if it makes sense to take an ibuprofen or a pain killer before the HSG. Also ask your doctor about taking an antibiotic.

I've been scouring the web and found this mantra AKAL, MAHA KAL which is supposed to be relaxing and believed to be "life giving." I thought it might be something to focus on and take your mind off the HSG.

Good luck, you are in my thoughts!

-Tara

s.e. said...

You just made me well up. (It may be the drugs in me) You had my hope for you building as I read. I am so sorry for what you went through.

Definitely take 4 ibuprofen. I had what I hope was a worse experience than most. I will share after your appointment on Friday if you're interested but I have a real life friend who said it was like really bad cramps. Bring someone along to hold your hand if you can but you are strong and can do it! My ob/gyn said sometimes it does the trick just to clear out the cobwebs.

Dinky Dory said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dinky Dory said...

as i said in my e-mail good luck x and i know its hard and it like telling you to suck eggs... but be calm and try to relax as best you can... xxx take a leaf out of gizmos book. hope he makes you smile :)
See gizmo chilling

Michell said...

Oh that little bit of hope and the pain that comes along when it leaves. I'm sorry. I would say definitely start taking the ibuprofen prior to HSG. It does help. It really wasn't that bad when I had mine. There was intense cramping that lasted for maybe 5 seconds and then it was just the discomfort of the speculum.
Also, I don't know about your hpts over there but here they are acurate much sooner than 6 weeks.