Thursday, 29 May 2008

Twilight descends on my baby dream

I'm sorry I haven't posted for so long.

I feel that I've completely run out of inspiration, and of things to say. The doomy feeling of apathy that had - if I'm honest - sort of descended even before the showdown at the clinic last week has just deepened and I don't feel able to deal with fertility stuff on any level.

It's just impossible to get my head around another year of waiting. What I really should be doing is picking myself up and being proactive, the way I usually am: getting my bloodwork done, maybe seeking second and third opinions.

But I'm not, and haven't. I was supposed to go this week for another blood test but I haven't. After the butcher's job made of my arm last week, when I ended up with a huge purply bruise that made me resemble a heroin addict, I felt my vein needed a rest. I plan to go in the morning but it's a bugger having blood taken repeatedly in summer when one wants to wear short sleeves!

At the core of me, I just now feel that it is never, ever going to happen, and that if I am to have any semblance of a life, I need to start dealing with that.

I feel like the medical profession has turned its back on us. I feel like nobody will help us. And I feel like we are barely coping with this anymore, as a couple and as individuals.

I think Blackadder said it best: "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'"!

6 comments:

Michell said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to say that would help. Whatever you decide I hope you have success.

Sarah said...

This is so not a situation that I know anything about--I'm still in the babies are bad phase--but maybe taking a break sounds like a good option for right now? Clear your head, love on your cat, and come back to the ordeal rejuvenated?

If I'm being absurd, just slap me upside the head!

Capitalchick said...

Please don't think that you have a one-year wait....you only do if you stay with that quack. You should absolutely not wait for another year. Do everything in your power to get another doctor....and STAT!

Capitalchick said...

Please come back to your blog. This is not the end of the road for you. I've been thinking for a few days about how you can use some 'back alley' routes to get the help you need. At this point in the game, you should 100% be looking at options like IUIs and IVF.
I had an idea...How about looking online for some professors of women's health, OBGYN or fertility issues at one of the universities in England. If you call them or email them, they'll have more time to listen to your plight. They very well might be able to recommend you to a colleague. Once you get that 'referral', you'll have the strength of their colleague's name behind your request to book an appointment with them.
Please don't give up. You'll kick yourself later for letting some stupid b*tch make you give up on this dream.
Gather up all your strength and move forward. Make calls! Don't take no for an answer. BE A BITCH!!! What have you got to lose at this point?

capitalchick said...

I'm beginning to worry about you. I hope you're ok. Please come back and let us know that you're ok....or that you're not doing so well. We can offer some support...not much, I know, but it's something.
Feel better, love.
Elana

s.e. said...

Just thinking about you and hoping you are o.k.