Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Gaining the IVF drugs and losing my furry friend

Holy sweet smoking shit at sunset.

My mum collected my IVF drugs today. The two SACKS thereof. I came home, saw said sacks sitting on my coffee table, with a note to say there was more in the fridge. I unpacked them and set the assembled goods before me in growing disbelief. It was like Christmas morning in the mad scientist's house. I then hastily repacked the sacks and forced down the ratatouille hubby had whipped up before I lost my appetite.

Hubby and I just spent half an hour in the spare room - the coolest, darkest room in the house, being as it is a forlorn place where a baby should reside - with the drugs and assorted paraphernalia spread before us.

It's just overwhelming. It's overwhelming. There are:

- two boxes of nasal spray
- five boxes of crazy glass vials with some kind of liquid-and-powder combo
- fifteen small needles in orange packets
- fifteen scary ass huge motherfucking needles in green packets
- about 250 (looks like) syringes
- a "sharps box" which looks and sounds like it should feature in Saw VI
- a packet of pessaries made of VEGETABLE FAT
- a partridge in a pear tree

I have so much to say right now and yet the terrifying nature of having these drugs ACTUALLY in front of me has rendered me virtually inarticulate.

The biggest news - and the reason I've been away for awhile even with IVF plans proceeding apace - is that my cat died.

I'm still not ready to talk about it in detail. Regular followers might remember I nursed him through cancer 18 months ago. We knew his time with us was limited as he had been diagnosed with kidney failure, but I was hoping he'd see me through my first cycle of this hell.

However, fate moved against us and he started having daily seizures ten days ago. Hubby had taken me away for the weekend as a sort of last ditch romantic break before IVF, but we had to cut our trip short and rush home so my mum and I could jointly make the decision that it was time to let him go.

The vet came to the house last Monday and my darling furby died in my arms on his favourite chair. It was the worst thing I've gone through to date. We buried him in the garden and since that awful day not a second has passed when I don't miss my best boy. Not having a furry companion has made the loneliness of infertility bite even harder, but any notion of getting another cat makes me feel unfaithful. I guess right now the pain of losing him is still too raw.

That said, I have written all of this so far without crying. It's all about crying less each day and I'm impressed I've managed to tell the story - badly, but I've got the words out - without dissolving. I think the fact I am still bug-eyed with horror about the sacks of drugs lurking next door may have something to do with it, mind you.

So that happened. Then my relative who'd just had two embryos transferred had her pregnancy test, and it came back negative. She started bleeding the next day. I know I said last time that I was jealous - and I was, fuck me, I was green - but I never, ever wanted her cycle to fail. She is hurting so much right now and my challenge is to be there for her as best I can while making my own final preparations.

So on day two, a fortnight ago, I visited the clinic for my bloodwork. Turned out my FSH is 11.7, which is a little higher than they'd like for IVF (though not off the map) but a lot higher than it should be for a 30-year-old. I'm told stress can play a part, and with my cat and various other factors I suspect that's had a significant effect, but the clinic did say it may also mean my ovaries are struggling and that in turn may mean a higher chance of a cancelled IVF cycle or indeed a total failure of my body to respond to the drugs. They've prescribed me a higher dosage of Menopur - four ampoules rather than three. Whatever the fuck an ampoule is. Up until this month I thought it was something to do with plugs. I guess I was off sick the day we covered this shit in school.

So I got my treatment schedule, and they want me to start the nasal spray a week on Sunday. I get to attend the clinic on Friday for a "teaching appointment" to tell me how to take it. I'm not sure exactly what kind of imbecile doesn't know how to take a nasal spray - I mean, what, am I going to stick the bottle in my ear? - but there we go.

I'm not squeamish about needles but some of those motherfuckers are big. My relative tells me the last one - the one with the HcG in it - is the worst, because that's been kept in the fridge and is icy cold right about when you start flooding it into your thigh. If my hormones fuck up we may not even get that far. Right now, this autumn just looks like one long track of increasingly steeper hurdles, each one of which may constitute the end of the road.

I also may jest about being intellectually evolved enough to figure out a nasal spray, but I'm clumsy, bad-tempered, impatient and liable to hurl small, fiddly things that don't comply with my wishes at the wall. How in the world I'm going to manage with the selection of Sylvanian Family-sized glass bottles, dinky vials and stabbing instruments currently shoved hastily in a chemist's carrier bag on my spare bed is anyone's guess.

The side effects freaked me out, too. I mean, obviously chest pain, decrease in breast size, vaginal bleeding, migraine, shortness of breath, vaginal dryness, hot flushes, night sweats, muscular pain and abdominal swelling are every girl's dream, but we've all read about the scary stuff associated with IVF. By which I mean the cancer. That's a c-word that puts all my fears about what's going to happen to and in and around my other c-word into perspective.

I'm particularly looking forward to the pessaries because I've always imagined what it would be like to shove a lozenge of vegetable fat up myself and wait for it to ooze stickily into my pants. Every night for fourteen nights.

My timings are such that the egg collection will happen shortly before Christmas, which works well in terms of holiday from work and rest potential. What potentially sucks is that if things go well and we get eggs, then embryos, my pregnancy test will take place New Year's Eve. Kind of a bum start to 2010 if it fails, no?

I have the word DAUNTED in block red capitals in my head, but it doesn't do justice to how I feel right now. I think a more accurate summary is that I feel a level of terror and anxiety sufficient to almost - but not quite - anaesthetise the pain of losing a 19-year furry friend. I so hoped my little kitty would see me through this.

And here are the tears.

42 comments:

Rambler said...

Oh my, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Your furby was family (19 years! How wonderful you were that lucky) so you get to cry all you want. Here in the US, you have to go to the vet, they usually don't come to your home, so what a comfort to know that he was in his own house, in his own chair and in your arms. Sniff...I'm sorry.

As for the IVF part, not that I am a poster child for it, but yes, its daunting. Scary, frustrating, emotionally and physically straining and in the end, may be worth every one of those feelings.

I guess the "hang in there" phase is really overused in all this, but I mean well when I use it. One day at a time, cross of each day on your calendar. You're lucky you have the nasal spray vs. the shots, that cuts down on the needles!

Good luck on your journey, and keep the end goal in mind. :)

Sarah said...

I sorry about your kitty. I know you loved him.

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved cat. That he went in your arms, safe and loved, I hope will be a comfort in later days when your grief isn't so raw and acute.

Best wishes for your coming cycle, too.

MK said...

I'm sorry about your cat but thank you for giving me some laughs with your post. :)
Your sarcasm is top-notch!

Hope Springs said...

Wow, where to start?

First, I'm so sorry about your cat - that's a real kick in the teeth from the universe, and as Illanare said, I hope that when the grief is a bit less raw it'll be a comfort to you that he died in your arms, surrounded by love.

As for the drugs - my clinic is very much of the philosophy that the best way to get through IVF is to face it one step at a time, so each time you go for an appointment, they give you another prescription for just as much stuff as you need until the next time. That meant I never saw all the drugs spread out before me, and it freaked me out a lot less (as did the cost aspect of paying for the drugs over a period of weeks rather than all in one go). Is there any way you can just hide the stuff you're not currently using, and take it out on an as-needed basis?

As for the trigger injection - yes, it comes straight from the fridge, and I was worried that it would feel awful (I've had IV drips that feel as though they've come straight from the fridge in the past, and remember that awful feeling of coldness coursing up my arm). In fact, I barely felt a thing with it. Everyone's different, and you too may be absolutely fine. Side effects of some of the drugs can be nasty, but some people get none, and I don't think anyone gets ALL of them - again, just something to deal with if and when it happens.

Honestly, I think the best way to get through this is to try to ignore the big picture as much as possible and take it all one step at a time. And know that there are loads of people rooting for you and hoping that there's a baby at the end of it for you.

Alison said...

I'm SO sorry about your little fur-baby! That's horrible news! It'll take some time and then you'll want that little pitter-patter of furry feet in your house again. I lost one of my fur-babies last January and I know the devastation you're feeling. It's aweful. I even made a photobook on Shutterfly.com all about my puppy that died and it seemed to help me grieve. I'm sure lots of people thought I was insane... but they just don't understand... and probably never will.

Good luck with starting your treatments! Hope everything goes well!!

Anonymous said...

Just a suggestion: when I was doing IVF, I really couldn't handle self-injecting the industrial quantities of stuff I had, but my sympathetic GP arranged for me to see the practice nurse every day through that phase, and she administered the cold stuff much more gently and slowly than I could've done it. Then for the late-night injections they arranged for the night staff at a local cottage hospital to do it. All it took was a couple of phone calls and a covering note from the GP. A member of staff at a nearby old folks' nursing home also told me they had staff there who can give jabs & would've helped me if I'd been stuck. I'm just saying - you can probably get help somewhere if you find the self-injecting too difficult or painful. Don't suffer more than you have to. Good luck.

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it is very hard to lose someone who has meant so much to you. I hope the pain will ease for you over time.

I want to wish you good luck with this cycle! I hope your body cooperates and that the drugs aren't actually as bad as they seem. And here's hoping for a positive on New Year's Eve to ring in a great year!

Anna said...

I am so sorry for your loss of little furby. I agree with Rambler that it must have been a comfort for him to be at home (I'm in the U.S. where they don't do that,too)

Thank you so much for this blog. My first IVF consultation is this coming Monday the 9th of November and I have a better idea of what to expect because of your wonderful ability to honestly share what you are going through. I will be following you and Thank you again! Hope your first cycleis a wonderful success and brings you your little one!

Jules M said...

You never fail to make me laugh through the tears...stay strong my friend xx

trying to get pregnant said...

Wow, you are going through a lot. When my cat died, it was really stressful but on top that you have to deal with drugs and needles. Very scary to me especially if they are big. Nice reading and hope everything goes better for you.

Laura said...

sorry to hear about the kitty :(
my trigger didn't hurt one bit and was only sore a day or so later. i did my best to not look at the needle (but did anyway, and it was huge!!) but it really didn't hurt like i thought it would. good luck!!

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remy martin said...

Wow, you are going through a lot. When my pretty cat died, it was really stressful but on top that you have to deal with drugs and needles. Very scary to me especially if they are big. Nice reading and hope everything goes better for you. I would pray for you. Best of luck.
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Moore Juliet said...


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Avail. But

Thank God I Gave It A Try. Now, I Am 8 Months Gone. Thank You Very Much.

Mrs Cynthia from usa, My gynecologist said both of my fallopian tubes has
been blocked that i would not be able to conceive at all. I felt so bad
that i nearly killed myself, If not for


my husband who stood firmly with me. My friend introduced me to your home
of solution your herbal herbs is real and good. At first, i felt reluctant
to buy
it, but i took a step of faith. Now,


I am a proud mother. Thank you for your

encouragement and support."-- Mrs jessica from
USA

Do you really find it difficult to get pregnant contact doc natasha today
and receive yours too pregnancyherbs@gmail.com Her WhatSapp
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pregnancyherbs@gmail.com Her WhatSapp contact :
+2347036879479 +2347036879479

Lisa Upche said...

Hello everyone my name is Lisa Upche.I want to tell the world how i was able to conceive. After a history of painful, heavy periods and having had an ovary removed,I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Because that my remaining Fallopian tube was blocked, the only chance I and my husband had of conceiving was through IVF.
The condition meant that fertility treatment was very painful in spite of the treatment it wasn't successful .

"From the age of 19 or 20, I had very bad periods, but my GP seemed uninterested. At 22, I had emergency surgery for appendicitis and awoke to discover I had also had an ovary removed, due to a large cyst. Although I had a histology (examination with a microscope of tissue removed during surgery), endometriosis (a condition in which endometrial cells, which normally line the uterus, implant around the outside of the uterus and/or ovaries, causing internal bleeding, pain and reduced fertility) was not diagnosed until much later.
With all these challenges, the possibility of getting pregnant was very difficult...I read an article of how Iya Hindi, that helped a woman to conceive with the use of the herbal treatment...I contacted the address hindinative@yahoo.com ....I ordered for the herbs and it worked. I conceived through the use of the herbs as instructed also. Contact (hindinative@yahoo.com .Or whats App number+19145295224) for help.

karen dish said...

I GIVE ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM FIBROID
I can’t believe this. A great testimony that i must share to all fibroid patient in the world. i never believed that their could be any complete cure for fibroid with out going for surgery ,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites and Facebook page of how Dr Williams prepare herbal cure for different king of disease,and with the help of his herb they where able to shrink there fibroid naturally. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually . Right now i want to tell you all that i just give birth to a baby boy last month,and on thin now i have not had any pain, and i have just went for text last week and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of any fibroid in my system . Glory be to God for leading me to this great Dr Williams I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no herbal cure for fibroid that is Not true ,just contact him and get cure from his email drwilliams098765@gmail.com and you will be free and free forever, Try it and you will not regret it because it truly works. i hope to see your testimony soon.