Tuesday, 13 October 2009

A Daniel Powter of a period day

God, I just feel awful this evening. I had a broken night's sleep, one of those awful pre-period nights where you're too hot and wake up hourly, bathed in sour sweat and just waiting to feel the telltale trickle between your legs.

Why do I persist in continuing to hope in the face of compelling evidence that my period is imminent? I have been in this nightmare for nigh on four years and yet not a cycle goes by without me trying to talk myself into the brown stuff being implantation bleeding, the swollen gut being the start of a bump and the sore boobs being caused by pregnancy hormones.

I think the dangerous hope fairy was spurred on this month by my scan at the clinic, which clearly revealed a follicle out of which an egg had recently popped. How can you not hope when you see that with your own two eyes?

But oh, god, it was hideous this morning when that dastardly trickle did start up, accompanied almost immediately by wracking cramps. I was at work, as I usually am when this happens to me - of course my body wouldn't be so considerate as to commence menses on a weekend when I'm free to hide under the duvet and howl to my heart's content.

No, I bottled it up as best I could - a feat made more difficult by a colleague bringing her new baby in for a visit (bad timing obviously not her fault, but I hid anyway).

I also had no Tampax in either my desk drawer or my bag - I only had one crappy Asda tampon from a packet which hubby once bought me because he "thought the box looked the same". They're bigger and somehow unwieldier than the plastic-coated Tampax Compaq that I favour (although you'd wonder why I have an issue with large tampons given the vast array of bulbous implements that have probed my nether regions in recent years). So I had to do the horrid drippy walk to the ladies' knowing I had a shitty tampon situation going on as well as being horribly devastated at our last-chance disintegrating into dust.

So after all that, I kind of expected I'd start crying as soon as I left for home but by that stage in the afternoon it was all buried too deep. It has taken a bottle of beer, a bath and a lot of thinking on the couch before it all splurged snottily out just now in a very weepy phone conversation with my mum. It just hurts so bad to fail, and fail, and fail, every month, despite trying so very hard.

I'm clinic-bound in the morning for my final day two bloodwork before IVF. Hopefully they will have the results of hubby's latest sperm sample, which he produced last week, and I can finally talk dates and get some concrete understanding of how things will progress from here on in.

A family member has just had two good embryos transferred following her first cycle, and god help me, I'm jealous. I know how hideous that makes me - she has tried just as hard as I have and for nearly as long, and I honestly thought I'd be a better person and find it in my heart to be happy for her if she had a good outcome.

Please don't think I'm saying I wanted - or indeed want - her to fail. I don't mean that. I just guess I underestimated how hard it would be to be bombarded with texts from her describing her emotions about her two living embryos, about which she tells me she already feels maternal, when we are still in limbo.

I think I also overestimated my own decency. Sometimes I worry I don't deserve a baby.

Nothing for today but to write it off as a reeeeeally bad job. I need, in no particular order, a hot water bottle. A cuddle. A glass of wine. My mum. My kitty. Bed. A bit more of a cry.

I also need hubby to stop irritating me. I am weepy right now, so most of the impotent fury has leaked out of my tear ducts, but I am also really angry with our situation, and there's nowhere to direct it other than at him. He has done absolutely nothing to comfort me this evening - he sat and fucked around with his iphone while I was crying on the phone to my mum right next to him on the sofa - and right now he is making an infernal racket searching for a bulb for my bedside lamp - it fused this morning as part of what has generally been a shitfest of a day.

At times like this I just wish he'd get out of my sight until I've done my monthly grieving and can interact with other humans again. Because right now even the sight of his socked feet is enough to enrage me.

In addition to my list of needs cited above, it goes without saying that I need to feel I am making some kind of progress through this hell. I'm losing my mind here. Guess I'll have to wait and see what tomorrow morning brings.


Crystal said...

Hello.. I just found your blog and I wish that I would of found it a long time ago. I, myself, am suffering from infertility and am about to wit's end!! I am ready for all of this bullshit to have a positive impact on my life. I enjoy reading your blog and knowing that I am not alone!

tishi said...

I relate to so much to this posting.
I struggle with my "lack of happiness"
for others almost everyday. Whenever
someone calls me to tell me that they are
pregnant, I say congratulations but when I
hang up I cry & cry. I want SO BADLY to be
happy for them, but I'm not....I'm too busy
being mad at myself, or sorry for myself.
I sometimes think I am a really bad person
for this, I mean, how could I not be happy
for them?

Then after a while I began to realize that
maybe it was the way they were telling me
they were pregnant. Usually they would say
something like "oops, I did it again! tehe"
or "I thought we would be trying for ever,
but nope, happened the first month!"

BUT then a friend of mine said this to me,
after she found out she found out she was
"I know that you are going through so much
right now, and this is probably the last thing
you want to hear, BUT, I just found out I am
pregnant, and I wanted you to know because
It is important to me that you are one of the
first people I tell"

I was actually happy for her, I was happy that
she respected my situation enough to bring
it up, she validated that what I am going through
is really hard.

I think thats why I get so upset all the time,
people just through their happiness at me,
without any concern for how it will make me feel. Its like salt on a wound. If they would just take
the time to cover the wound before throwing
salt, then maybe we could be happier for them?

MK said...

Yep, failing month after month after month after month at doing something the female body was MADE to do...well, it has a way of turning a woman into someone she can't even recognize anymore.
And I really wish all women on the planet would hold off on pregnancy until *I* can conceive so that I don't have to see knocked up women anymore!!

MK said...

Oh, and thanks for the award! :)

Veronica said...

I often worry that God sees something so awful in me, and that is the reason I don't deserve a baby. I got all teary-eyed when I read that you wrote the same thing. So many days, it feels like I am all alone on this emotional roller coaster - reading your blog and comments reminds me that I am not alone. Thanks for your blog and for sharing your story.

shanika said...

I felt like crying just reading this. Especially when you are giving your all and you fail. It sucks and it hurts. I will pray for you and your situation. There is still hope and try not to get too stressed out. I believe your time will come.

Anonymous said...

I relate to everything!! But, don't give up--I have always believed that anyone who wants to have a child, will have a child!


yahoo said...

are kenyans looking for help as my wife has a problem of infertility for the last eiteen years now , we have struggled a lot please help us.
simpson tom maoga and yunia nyaboke maoga
box 64739 620 m/plaza nairobi kenya e.africa

yahoo said...

i,m a strong man from kenya i and my wife cleaverly srtuggling to have a baby please help us to achieve our dreams , good samaritans can email me and advise me i love the living lord to make things possible amen amen amen
maoga simpson

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