Thursday, 11 February 2010

The long-awaited update (it's good news)

Yesterday I had my booking appointment with the midwife who will hopefully see me through this pregnancy and beyond.

I'm so sorry I haven't updated the blog with my news. The excuses I cite are a combination of taking time out from writing to focus on being well and getting used to the amazing change of being pregnant after four years of infertility heartache, and also a fair dollop of sheer superstition.

I honestly felt if I shared my news, I would jinx it. It's totally irrational and very unfair on those of you who've been commenting and asking for updates, but it was how I felt and it was very strong.

Only now as I approach the 11-week mark am I starting to feel more confident about actually taking home a baby at the end of this. I have gone through the past two and a half months battling a daily, sometimes hourly, terror of miscarriage. I don't think it will ever fully abate until I give birth, but it is starting to lessen as the weeks progress and my body changes.

I got the news on December 29 following a blood test at the fertility clinic. But if I'm totally honest, I already knew the IVF had worked. I took a pregnancy test on Christmas Day - stupid, foolish and potentially distressing, I know, but I couldn't resist it. I figured starting my fourth Christmas Day with a negative test surely couldn't be any more heartbreaking than the previous three had been.

It was a very, very faint positive. But it's the first time in my life I've had any sort of line in the right box, so it was momentous. Hubby was downstairs when I did it and my voice cracked into a barely audible rasp as I croaked for him to come and look.

I then did what I always do: started obsessively reading about pregnancy testing after IVF online, and convinced myself that it was a false positive caused by leftover HCG hormone in my system from the trigger injection I'd administered some 12 days previously. The general consensus seemed to be to wait until 14 days had elapsed and test again. This I duly did on the morning of December 27, and the positive line was darker. And I really started to hope.

It was still with a thudding heart and knocking knees that I answered my mobile on the afternoon of the 29th, knowing the person calling was a nurse from the clinic and that she had my results. I was stood at work in a glorified stationery cupboard, hiding away as I knew I'd cry either way. To hear the nurse say that not only was it a positive, but a strong one, was just indescribable.

Relief, joy, gratitude - it was a far cry from how I'd felt the night after the embryo was transferred back into my womb. That evening found me crying hysterically because I was sure I'd ejected said embryo during a particularly strenuous visit to the toilet (what can I say, the IVF drugs had bunged me up).

No, my embryo didn't fall out my bum but dug itself in and managed to find a snug home inside me, where I have for so many years longed for a baby to be. I had another moment of drama when I had a very light bleed on New Year's Eve. At that point I was just over four weeks pregnant and became convinced I was going to miscarry on just about the worst night of the year for such a thing to happen. But I was lucky, the bleeding stopped and the clinic, during my weepy phone call to them, said such things are common at around the four and eight-week mark, when periods would have been expected.

I started to feel a lot better, and properly pregnant, when my seven-week scan showed a strong heartbeat and a growing embryo, in the right place (as ectopic pregnancy had been a big fear). And while I am far from reassured, after everything we've been through, that things will be all right (I don't think I'll feel 100% content until I'm holding my baby in my arms), the changes in my body and the symptoms I've experienced have grown my confidence little by little.

I want to - and will, if you want me to - write more about how I am feeling and what it's like being pregnant after all this time and all those tears. But I'm going to leave this entry here for two reasons, the first being because I just wanted to give regular readers a long-awaited and much-deserved update.

The second reason is more complicated. This blog has been about my infertility struggles, and I'm unsure of the protocol of how to proceed. I'd like to keep writing about my experiences through pregnancy and beyond, but I am very aware that my outcome will be bittersweet for people who have not been so lucky.

I have suffered myself - many times over - that heady mix of elation for someone you genuinely like and feel a connection with finally having the success she has yearned for, combined with the inevitable and unavoidable feelings of desperation about your own situation. And to be honest, sometimes I have chosen not to read on.

What I don't want to do is inflict a pregnancy blog on a community of readers who don't want it. I couldn't bear it if I thought I was causing anyone struggling with a similar situation to my own pain. I know how badly it can hurt. So I would really appreciate comments on whether you think I should continue with the blog or leave it here, with a happy ending infertility-wise, but without an ongoing commentary on pregnancy, that longed-for condition which has, at times over the past four years, seemed almost mythical to me in terms of how hard it was for me to achieve.

Finally, for now - thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has asked how I am doing, wondered about my outcome or spared a fleeting thought to wish me well. I appreciate every comment and every thought more than you can know.


MK said...

Congrats!!! That is AMAZING news and I'm so happy to hear it. :) And what a great day for a BFP!

I have to admit that when women on my blog list get pregnant, I remove them from the list because it's too hard to read all their updates. But I still keep them on my follow list, or whatever it is. And every few months I read updates on pregnancies to see if they're doing well.
I DEFINITELY think you should keep blogging - your posts are hilarious! You would be missed if you left. :)

Annie said...

What wonderful news! Please do keep posting. I love your blog and though I am one of those still in the trenches battling infertility, I find hope in seeing others fight against the odds and win. Best wishes to you, your hubby, and your little baby.

Anna said...

Yay!!!!! I had hoped you were just celebrating quietly -- I totally understand. I am sooo thrilled for you! Your post has me crying tears of joy for you! As I am about to start my own IVF journey in March, on the pill now, I would love to continue reading posts on your pregnancy! Praying for a peaceful, wonderful rest of your pregnancy and a healthy little one. Congratulations again!!
p.s. This was your first IVF, right? You give me hope either way!!

Anonymous said...

Huge congrats! I am so happy for you. It's good to have you back. If my vote counts for anything, I vote for more posts - your wit was sorely missed, trust me.

newmumover40 said...

I have just come across your blog after doing a search for HSG scans. I was very excited to find someone else who was blogging about trying to conceive!

It is wonderful news that you have finally made it! And it makes no difference in my happiness to have found your blog. Because hearing about your pregnancy experience will be just as informative as I know nothing about that either! To share in the joy and hear how you are doing will be a pleasure to read.


Jade said...

Congratulations! I was quietly rooting for you and hoping that your radio silence was finally due to a pregnancy. Congratulations again! It's so wonderful to be able to share in another woman's success story.

I agree with everyone else - keep posting!

Rambler said...

Congratulations! Glad to see the silence was for something positive.

I'm with MK, with the place I am in right now, it's still hard to read the everyday acts of being pregnant, but with your style of writing and humor, I think it would benefit a lot of people.

Rose Thorn said...

I am SOOO happy for you! I have been reading your blog for only about 2 wks now, but I have read it from beginning to start, You have given me hope, and let me know that I am not crazy for feeling what I am feeling. I am just starting my TTC journey. I have been half assed trying since I miscarried at 17, and havent had luck. I am finally off of my BC totally and sincerly hoping this all starts looking up for me. Congratulations and I hope all is well with this new leg of your journy! Again I am sooooo happy for you!

AllyAEC said...

Well glad you shared the news now! x

I am so pleased for you, and even though I can't even contemplate what you and some of the readers are going through, it is still one of the few blogs I read regularly with anticipation and interest like a good book (you still are one of my favourite writers :) ) Hope you keep it up, whether it is is here... or in a new chapter online. I am so please for you as I remember how long ago we worked together and it was a dream of yours and hubbies xxxxx

donna bean said...

OH! massive massive congratulations. I hope you continue to blog as I think the way you write is amazing. Am so pleased for you.

I was so hoping the absence of blogging meant good news.

galaxy IVF said...

Oh thank god for good news. I was so worried for you. I am thrilled that you finally have what you have battled so long for - you really deserve it.
I love reading your blog and I would not want you to ever stop. I bet your going to have some very funny moments during pregnancy and giving birth so I cant wait to read all about it in your unique comedy style.
I start my first IVF cycle next month and you have given me lots of hope and relief that it really can work first time. Good luck x

Any said...

Congratulations! I have been checking every day since your last post and was thrilled to read your update. I suffered from infertility as well and reading your blog really helped me deal with the stress. It was wonderful reading the funny and honest posts, because it was very similar to what I felt like.
I too have finally become pregnant and would love for you to continue to post throughout your pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering if your absence was due to good or bad news. I'm so happy to hear you finally made it. And although I admit I cried tears of sorrow for my own situation, I also know they were tears of joy and hope after all you've been through. Please keep blogging- personally, I want to hear every detail.

Illanare said...

Congratulations, I really am so very happy for you.

Laura said...

I KNEW IT! I've checked so many times and am thrilled to find this good news. Please keep writing. Even if you switch to another blog...
After struggling with IF and finally conceiving (but not through IVF) I totally understand your fears about the possibility of miscarriage. Now that I've made it to week 16 I am able to settle down a bit. I had implantation bleeding at 4 weeks and a bit of spotting at 9 weeks... it's always scary, but you did the right thing by going into the clinic! I went to the hospital on Christmas day!! I'll be thinking of you... please keep us posted!

*Ivette* said...

Congrats!! and yes please keep blogging!! Give us ladies some hope!! Bless you and ur lil one!! Yay!!

Bec said...

Congratulations - I am so happy for you! Please keep blogging. While it can be bittersweet somedays, it gives me hope that it can really happen xxx

Anonymous said...

Keep blogging lass, I have been checking back for some time now and am thrilled with your news and that you are posting again. You will not have the same pregnancy as someone who has conceived naturally as you will always have the fear but I for one will enjoy your posts. You're a terrific writer and should continue - even when the baby is keeping you awake and you wonder why you bothered!

t2c said...

Congratulations!!! I too have only recently started reading your blog, but have read the entire thing in about a month. I just completed testing for infertility, and fall under the category of unexplained infertility. You dont even know how much your blog has helped me. I know that I am not alone in going through infertility, but reading your inner thoughts and fears about tests such as the HSG and the internal pelvic u/s helped me feel "normal". I am so happy that your break from your blog was for such a great reason! I was really hoping that you were just waiting to reach the 12 week mark. Please don't stop writing and sharing your thoughts...because they really do help more people then you realize. Congratulations once again!!

Sarah said...

I am so happy for you and cried tears of joy at reading your post! Please keep writing, I'm invested in you the person, not the infertility (but maybe a blog name change is in order!)

Munchkin said...

Congratulations. I'm elated for you. WOW. What a huge huge blessing. I'm just thrilled.
Don't worry about turning this into a pregnancy blog and pissing off your readership. YOU DESERVE THIS. And no one thinks otherwise. No one!
While feeling like "the only non-pregnant person on earth" does cause a twinge of pain for many many women when they read posts about long-time 'infertiles' finally getting pregnant, there's another side of the coin as well... Reading posts like yours and reading pregnancy blogs (like yours should become) offers hope that, even after so many heartbreaking years of trying, there IS hope for a better future.
Hugs and best wishes for a health, happy, exciting seven months ahead.

Thraesja said...

I'm so happy for you. I've been lurking on this blog for quite some time, not wanting to comment as I've managed to become a mother and figured you didn't want to hear about it, but pulling for you the whole while.

I was very hopeful that your long absence indicated you were waiting for that stressful first trimester to be nearing completion. I'm so glad I was right.

As for whether to continue the blog or not, I'm sure I'm not the only perfect stranger who would like to keep following your progress. But you may be right in that others would prefer it to remain about infertility struggles...what about opening up a new blog and just posting a link to it as the last entry on this one? That would give people the choice to continue with you or not as they wish.

Congratulations to both you and your husband!

Anonymous said...

YAY!!! I am so happy for you! Please keep blogging and let us know what is going on. I understand that many of your followers are still TTC but your story gives hope to all of us still trying...
Thank you for your wonderful sense of humor. Congratulations!

Rose Thorn said...

Please do keep writing...I think a lot of us will miss you if you decide not to.

Vidhi said...

Congrats and I fervently pray that may god bless you, your baby and husband. Ur blog seems like the light at the end of the tunnel for many TTC women, so please dont stop writing.
Even though many would cringe at the thought "I am still not pregnant but u r" I think reading ur journey towards motherhood wud be d hope to take us all TTC mothers towards it as well.
God bless and do keep writing. N do enjoy the best period of ur life.

Dazedlittlemiss said...

Wow. This is good news! Congratulations. I hope all goes well. I love your writing style and would love for you to continue blogging. Some women may not be pregnant yet but I'm sure they could use all the information you share here. Take care!

daniel said...

When The popular comment layout is common, so it is easily recognized scanning to post a comment. If the comment section is in a different format, then I am going to spend more time trying to decipher what everything means.

study abroad

Anonymous said...

變頻跳蛋 ,調情跳蛋
,無線跳蛋 ,飛機杯系列
,男用小型自慰套 ,

男用中型自慰套 ,夢幻充氣娃娃
,男用大型真人比例倒模 ,角色扮演,
性感睡衣 ,性感內衣褲,

性感女內褲 ,性感貓裝及吊帶襪
,歐蒂莉亞性感系列 ,男女穿戴系列用品
潤滑液 ,情趣聖品(威而柔)

震動套環 ,男用強精長軟質套,
男用強精短軟質套 ,後庭區
,SM道具 ,真空吸引器
,芳香精油 ,情趣禮物玩具

louboutin Link Exchange said...

Women should ensure that the shoes and bags not only look amazing,louboutin but
they also match.

louboutin Link Exchange said...

Women try to store cheap christian louboutin footwears and strollchristian louboutin, to ensure that the right shoes, to maintain comfortable shoes they want to make sure they look good.

louboutin Link Exchange said...

You should not miss this chance discount christian louboutin get the best cheap christian
louboutin shoes.

louboutin Link Exchange said...

All of our christian louboutin shoes are made of the similar materials,christian louboutin sale hand made with high quality,low price.

louboutin Link Exchange said...

Further more,we also provide a guide about how to care of your cheap christian louboutin shoes
chanel shoes. Some tips that you might ignore in the past.

ian said...

I just love blogging and as i get spare time from busy schedule i start working on it. Wonderful post, I really enjoyed reading it!

Anonymous said...

Hi. I only just found your blog - I hope everything went smoothly since your last post. I just wanted to let you know I just read you blog in its entirity and really enjoyed it. For every one person that leaves a message there are probably 100 who did what I normally do and anonymously read it. I just thought you should know.
I hope everything is going well...

monclersale said...

may be you will interest Moncler LucieNew Pop star Black long coat,puffer-style bodywarmer by Moncler, featuring a front zip opening, two zip pockets and a separeted elastic belt.70% OFF on moncler jacket sale and free shipping to world.

Viagra said...

Excellent site, keep it up the great work.

chen said...

"Red" recognition of the high degree of sole,Christian Louboutin sale another its advantage is let female stars free advertising. See Christian Louboutin soles is red, need not seek logo. But dressed up the shoes is what some celebrities stars, each pair $500. Pricing People terrified follows high heels, was amongst amongst (5), in between - 6, wear the shoes of people basic need not walk. They need is -- immediately make beautiful leg. Chris mention · lu Christian Louboutin heels bhutto - features. Whether you is how women, all need to wear a pair of high on the red carpet, as for your root shoes choice, but we can't ask you should know Chris mention Mr Bhutto, the robust name it. Christian Louboutin nowadays in the United States has five franchised stores, two in New York the rest in Los Angeles, Las Vegas respectively and orange state south beach square, some stores open at Bal harbour is planning to Boston and Chicago,. In Asia, the first Christian Louboutin store opened in October 2007 in Hong Kong's len street center; In March 2008 into Chinese capital Beijing financial shopping center, Shanghai branch November 2008 formally opened for business. American famous talk-show host oprah winfrey. Wen Christian Louboutin francois li says shoes is a kind of art, Christian Louboutin recently and famous director David lynch cooperation, to his editions of shoes made a called "idol" exhibition. R&B singer Ciara,Christian Louboutin Sandals Jay - Z songs appeared Christian Louboutin "content with" lyrics.

Anonymous said...

Great blog really enjoyed reading it. Have bookmarked you and will check back regular. Please feel free to take a look at my blog...
Cheap Flights to Koh Samui
Flights to Koh Samui
Koh Samui Flights

Discount Vitamin said...

Its really a very good news indeed. Thanks a lot for sharing such valuable update with us.

Anonymous said...

Latest hot and Video Funny clips and images of hot Girls, Funny Girls images, Loll hot Girls

saeed ahmed thanvi said...

World's Most Popular Cars, Hot Speed Cars, Hot Cars with Hot Girls, Cars Latest Pictures with all info, Latest updates Cars Models and Company Cars, Strange Vehicles, Concept Cars, Top 10 Expensive Cars in the World.
Visit this Link for More Strange Vehicles and Cars with Latest info and Pictures

Unknown said...

Dear Friend,

"If You are feeling Frustrated Or Hopeless because of your
inability to get pregnant. If all you have been told is that there is
nothing wrong with you and yet you can't get pregnant then this is
your chance to do so. Or are you having any of the challenges
listed below? Whatever it is that may be causing your infertility,
you can be sure you are on the right post. Infertility problems include:

-- trying to get pregnant for years
-- Irregular Menstrual Cycles
-- Delayed Periods
-- Endometriosis
-- Ovarian Cyst
-- Miscarriages
-- High Prolactin
-- Hormonal Imbalances
-- Low Sexual Drive

* Have you been trying to conceive and have your own baby without any

* Have you taken several drugs and even concoctions all because you want to
become a mother?

* Have you undergone surgeries and yet you still can't conceive?

* Have you been unable to find a solution to your infertility or that of
your spouse?

* Are you ready to brace yourself with the simple steps to getting pregnant?

* If you have also been battling with Fibroid, Blocked Fallopian Tube and
you want completely get rid of it?

If your answer to any of the above questions is YES, then your story is
about to change.But first, see what Mrs jessica from USA said about my
herbal herbs product.

I Was Married for Over 5 Years Without The Fruit Of The Womb. My Husband
Was Very

Supportive But His Family Showed Me Hell. At First I Was Skeptical Of Your

herbal herbs product Because I Have Used Lots Of Different Things But To No
Avail. But

Thank God I Gave It A Try. Now, I Am 8 Months Gone. Thank You Very Much.

Mrs Cynthia from usa, My gynecologist said both of my fallopian tubes has
been blocked that i would not be able to conceive at all. I felt so bad
that i nearly killed myself, If not for

my husband who stood firmly with me. My friend introduced me to your home
of solution your herbal herbs is real and good. At first, i felt reluctant
to buy
it, but i took a step of faith. Now,

I am a proud mother. Thank you for your

encouragement and support."-- Mrs jessica from

Do you really find it difficult to get pregnant contact doc natasha today
and receive yours too Her WhatSapp
contact : +2347036879479 +2347036879479 Her WhatSapp contact :
+2347036879479 +2347036879479