Monday, 13 April 2009

Tomorrow can't come fast enough

I have wished away this entire, sunny Bank Holiday weekend counting down the hours till I find out if the clomiphene has worked and I've ovulated.

I'm due at the clinic at 8am tomorrow morning. I've been told to expect a blood test and that I'll get the results same day. All being well, it should show a raised level of progesterone consistent with me having ovulated about a week ago.

I'm not sure what happens next. I guess there are two possible outcomes of tomorrow:

1) if the results show I haven't ovulated, they'll up the dosage of clomiphene - hopefully without the anti-psychotic diversion this time - and we'll try again as soon as my next period starts. The worst of this - apart from the disappointment, the regret of all the side effects and nervousness for those a higher dosage will bring, and the sense that I don't know my own body any more - will be waiting for my period to come, as this could take several more weeks.

2) if the results show I have ovulated, again we wait, to see if my period turns up next weekend. If it does, the disappointment will be crashing. If it doesn't, then what? Will the clinic offer me a blood test to check for lower-than-low levels of hCG since this would technically be an assisted conception? Or will they just tell me to wait a week and do a normal pregnancy test? If I am currently this excited about a test to check if I've ovulated, I can't imagine how I'll feel awaiting the results.

I'm trying very hard not to allow myself to think about it, but it can't be denied that right now there is a chance I am very, very newly pregnant. When I do let myself go there, I veer between:

:: the yawning despair of negativity - "of course it hasn't worked", "it was the lowest dose and the first cycle", "we had sex at the wrong time and not enough sex at that";
:: superstitious doubt - "surely I'd know or feel something, or there'd be a sign after all that we've been through";
:: and terrifying, giddy hope - "I felt myself ovulate, and if I'm right, the sperm would have met that egg or eggs"

What's also weird is pondering what would happen next-next, i.e. after finding out the good - fuck, good's not an adequate word - the spectacular, amazing, wonderful, joyous, bestbestbest news.

Would I be immediately turned over to my GP and the practice midwife, like a normal pregnant woman? Or would the fertility clinic keep me on their books given how we conceived and the chance that it could be multiple? Will I - sorry, that should be would I - have to wait 12 weeks for a scan to see how many babies there are, or would we be offered earlier analysis so we know the score and can plan accordingly?

And what would it be like adjusting to being pregnant after all this time? Especially being newly pregnant, with nothing to show for it except my own secret knowledge of what's happening inside me? My family and close friends are obviously aware of this situation, so we'd certainly tell them immediately - I'm thinking at this moment of the bit in Jools Oliver's excellent book where she rings her mum following her and Jamie's success on, I think, clomiphene, gets the answering machine and bellows "I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant" repeatedly into the tape.

But I have been frank and open about my infertility throughout this ordeal, so there are lots of other people who know too. Would I tell them? Back when I thought conceiving was as easy as mounting your husband on the appropriate day of the month, I always used to think I'd wait, as is traditional, till my 12-week scan to break the news to colleagues, distant relatives and wider acquaintances. I'd hate to tempt fate, but at the same time I can't imagine keeping the news in.

I've heard it said that men think about sex once every minute. Well, let me tell you that I'd be thinking about possibly being pregnant a lot more frequently than that if I were allowing myself. But I do know that the more I build up my hopes, the worse it will feel if they're dashed, so I'm trying to rein it in a bit. A lot.

What I'm doing instead is allowing myself a few minutes at the beginning and end of each day - while lying in bed, either immediately before falling asleep or immediately after waking - to think about it, to think positively about it, almost to pretend that it's a done deal and I already know.

Those are without doubt the best moments of my days.


Alison said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!! Hope everything goes well today!

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