Sunday, 19 April 2009

The egg has died

My period's coming.

I haven't started bleeding yet but I have all the symptoms. Some of them - sore boobs, headache, crampy gurglings - I could convince myself are early pregnancy signs, but this morning brought the unarguable-with brown spotting, so I knew it was over.

I have cried on and off for the whole day, which is making my thudding head a lot worse but I can't seem to stop. I read back over my last blog post with all its stupid, lunatic hope, and I just feel like such a fool. How could I ever have thought it would have worked?

The one single saving grace of this cycle is that at least I didn't put myself through the heartbreak and financial wastefulness of a pregnancy test.

Tomorrow morning I shall have to get up earlier than usual - after a night broken by cramps; if past months are anything to go by, the brown spotting indicates I'll start bleeding properly this evening - and go back to the clinic to collect another prescription for clomiphene.

Then, starting tomorrow with the first pill, I have another week of feeling queasy, bloated and headachey virtually every day to look forward to, followed by a week of grim, miserable sex, followed by a fortnight of stupid, pointless hope before my next period brings the whole world crashing down around me.

Why hasn't it worked? Why the fuck hasn't it worked? We tried SO hard and despite hubby's moments of stage fright, we did have sex while I was ovulating. We know his sperm's good. We know from my day 21 bloodwork that there was an egg. So WHY DIDN'T IT WORK?

I feel utterly desperate. I hate this so very much. It's spring. It feels like everyone in the fucking universe is pregnant except me. I honestly don't understand why my husband doesn't just leave me for someone who can give him a child.

I don't have much else to say.

9 comments:

Stephanie said...

You don't know me but somehow I stumble upon your blog maybe this is why. Feel free to go check out my blog. Its http://thehollins.blogspot.com.

I have a similar post just like this. Its really hard to watch all the people around you get pregnant with ease when you can't. I have been trying for four years with no luck. My funds are running low so I only have a couple more chances this year and its really hard to deal with. I understand completely where you are coming from. My poor husband had to deal with my meltdown last night and I wouldn't blame him if he ran out of the house screaming.

Alison said...

I too feel your pain. I've been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and that means I don't ovulate regularly (or at all). I've had so many of the same feelings you have. I've had those feelings of utter dispair and wondering if sometimes my husband wouldn't be better off with someone else who could give him a family. It's utterly heartbreaking to me. I feel like such a failure a lot of the time. I myself haven't had a period since September 2008. It's a horrible thing to think about (counting back the months of no hope).

I hope you have family around you that can lend you support and if all I can do is let you know that you are not alone... I hope that helps somewhat.

I'm so sorry for your loss (of your egg)!

Rambler said...

I've been following your blog (its on my blogroll!) since I found it via another link. You make me laugh, you make me cry with your entries. :)

This one was sad and I had really hoped it might be better news. I'm sure people have already spouted the statistics to you, that even with optimal circumstances (which it seems you may have actually had this past month!) chances are around 20%. Take heart in knowing others can understand your frustration and questions.

Hope you're able to get the Clmoid with less hassle this time!!

M said...

Like any reproducively challenged women, we always stumble into each other trying to find that comfort of knowing we're not alone. I fell into a rut after another friend announced her pregnancy. Everybody around me is expecting & two of them are in their mid-30's like me. I had to leave footprints because this post cried the bigger part of my life as an infertile.

Now do pamper yourself :)

Dena said...

I too just stumbled across your blog and relate to so much of the heartache and loss that each negative month brings. Please feel free to check out my blog
http://lossandlonging.blogspot.com I'm 1/2 way through yet another 2ww after injectibles.
I'll be checking back in with you if that's alright. I really like your honesty in your writing.

Anonymous said...

I pray you get your "dividing cells" any day now. Hang on. Don't lose hope!
Hugs,

Deena

southerngal said...

OMG,,, I know how you feel. I have two YES two sister-in-laws that are pregnant now. One giving birth this weekend with her 2nd & 3rd child. I have gotten to the point that I can't be around that side of the family. All they can talk about is who is having a baby. Like there is nothing esle in these world but that. They don't think about how all this talk is hurting me. I am crying now just typing this. I have given up hope of ever having a baby.

Queen D said...

Your last blog and this one are great! Don't feel stupid for being hopeful. I've been there and am there right now, hope is all we got left. It's okay to be have a bad day and be pissed off at your period for always coming back when you don't want it to, but never give up the hope.
Hopefully the Clomid won't be as intense next time around. I just read your blog today for the first time. I am going to openly stalk you now, because I have another Clomid sister. I just finished my first cycle of Clomid and am currently in my 2ww.

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