Crying at the TV

Watched a weird programme last night about "reborns". These are dolls that resemble babies so closely that they appear to breathe, move and smile. They have real hair and are weighted and jointed like babies. They can even have milk spots and be designed to look like photos of real babies.

Him indoors vehemently felt I shouldn't watch the programme, and retired to bed in despair when I insisted (I believe my exact words were "Fuck off, I'm watching it"). The reason I was so keen was that I thought it would inevitably cover infertility, and therefore feature other barren women who feel like I do.

One of the hardest things about this is feeling that I'm the only one. I have a few really close friends, but as lovely as they are, and as much as I need them, none of them is in a position to understand. My best mate from uni days got pregnant the first month she was off the Pill, and now has a gorgeous eight-month old son and, because our usual daily at-work email exchange is on hiatus because of her maternity leave, is rarely in touch.

Of my closest mates now, two are a couple of years younger than me, and whilst they are both sympathetic and willing to listen, neither has felt their own biological clock yet or is the least bit broody, so through no fault of their own they don't really "get it". My other close mate is herself a mum to an 11-year-old, who came along unexpectedly while she was very young. She's a brilliant mum, but she never experienced what it's like to yearn for a child and not be able to have one.

Anyway, this reborns programme didn't touch on infertility at all, and was frankly so odd that I was left thinking it might have been a spoof. The narrator just seemed ever so slightly surreal and sardonic. If it was a pisstake, I didn't find it funny - but then I wouldn't, would I? I'm too close to the subject matter; it's all too raw.

However, I don't have a problem with others trying to make light of a difficult topic. I think that's probably quite healthy. Channel 4 does good spoofs anyway - I remember really roaring at the Brass Eye paedophile thing that so many people complained about.

I'm ashamed to admit, I did cry at the reborns. I was doing OK until one woman was given her doll to take home. She carried it out to her car, and then you saw she'd bought it a car seat, which she proceeded to reverently strap it - this DOLL - into. That floored me, and I wept till my chest hurt.